Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

 

 

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in the studio in Cardiff with Barry Castagnola.

 

 

Hello, hello Rhod and hello people of Wales and beyond. / Huh, that's nice. What a nice little welcome that was / Thank you __ __ working on that / the show since we've done the Rhod / no / this is a new feature for me. / It is a new feature for you. Some bloke suggested it. / we all went / name a band / choose / rubbish, what a rubbish feature / and there it is / best / ever had / still running? / Still running ... three weeks later, um, although some people're having an issue with it. / Who? Who's got an issue? Tell me / waiting for this / basically, as I say / so, you write in and you go, "Hey, I'm from __. I want __ __ __ __'s Happy Hour / super rules / of course / you know / yeah / don't confuse it / __ __ / Yeah, __ __ ... Right? That's how it works. / Yeah. / But then sometimes we get one in saying, "I'm from Germany. Can I have some Kraftwerk / and I ... to this ... up until now, I've allowed it. / So, what you ... / let it go / instead of someone saying / specifically, "I'm from Dusseldorf" or whatever / I've been / somebody says, uh, "Oh, I'm from __ __ __. I'd like __ __ __ / I / go / chance / You're dreaming. You're dreaming / no way, B__. / Go and listen to, uh, I don't now ... another radio station, I'd say / Yeah. Or / pick an artist / somewhere near home / idea / if I was more professional I would have thought that. I've been sending people / listen__ to other radio stations / should have done / be more accurate / us / lose listeners / way / h__ / listeners for ten years / graph / to look__ like a ski jump / この番組のリスナー数のグラフは、スキーのジャンプ台の形をしている。しかも、最後に飛び上がるためにさきっちょについているあのちょっと上向きの部分、あれがないジャンプ台だ。 / __ __ __ __ ... a ski jump without the little bit at the end, the turn-up bit ... just a downward line / ski jump without a jump / yeah __ __ just / like a wall / __ing from top to bottom ... vertical wall ... my figures ... the listening figures / __ __ __ gradient / very confusing, these listener figures. Um ... / __ __ __ graph / no / that's why ... that's why __ __ people do it / I / just / about it. ... We've gotta think about four listeners. / We do. / Two of them've switched off already. ... So, anyway, I've been ... I've been picky. / Yeah. / people / say / I'm from / just outside / something / no / you've gotta be / exactly the right place / right. ... But then somebody writes in / from Germany / graph / yeah, fine / it seems to be one rule for one and one different rule for another / been waiting to be picked up on it / out there / I don't know why / just the way it__ happened, ... innit? / rationale / you __ __ see that / Yeah, I / international one / let it go, innit? / "Hi Rhod, although I find the Rhod-o-vision Song Contest rather tedious, ..." / Wow. / Good start. Thanks, Keith M__. Uh ... "I can understand that __ you / with it / seeing how it inspires the most input from your other listener. However ... / sulky-__y, uh, opening / oh, yeah, yeah. Uh ... yeah. / very much on the b__ f__ at the moment. "... however, it appears that you do not abide by the rules you have so carefully laid down. As I understand it, / our hometown / from that hometown / name / band / nominate one of their songs. So, how come __ a-ha one / when / personal note / inverted commas, 'from Norway' / someone / merely from Norway / quite ... __ ... quite __ put down / he didn't mention his hometown nor that of a-ha / just / he was from Norway. On that basis, I am from England / as are S__ and the B__s / Listen, I could see ... I could see what you're saying / I'm afraid that ... should we be more ... / what / should / do, Barry? / The other thing is, ... I hate to point this out, Keith, but / person from Norway was a girl / ... Oh, dear. Your whole ar__nt in the __ bin, I'm afraid. / 言いたくはないが、もう一つ言っておこう。おまえがさっきから文句をつけている「ノルウェーの男」だが ... 男ではなく女だ。そういうわけで、おまえの論理は根底から崩れた。

 

 

look / attacking me here preserving the continuity and quality of BBC colonial radio, / 大英帝国植民地支配ラジオ / I would just like to pick / small discrepancy in the judging of last week's Rhod-o-vision Song Contest. On __ last week's show / near Notingham / refused / AC DC / on the ground / __ of Norway / allowed to enter the contest, depite no mention / hometown / also victorious / dubious entry / enthusiasm to hear __ __ __ __ __ somewhat c__ / your interpretation of the rules. / up on the, uh, on the Norway thing again / he says / no option to request / last week's winner / from the record? / Hang on, hang on. We don't know that the, uh, the person who wrote in from Norway / and / a-ha / Good point. Cancel that strike / ノルウェーだから a ha ... そのリクエストをした人間は、単にノルウェー人というだけでなくて、 a ha と同じ町の出身かもしれないじゃないか。そうではないとなぜ決めつける？ / might be ... might be / do you know what? / bound to be / Do you know what? You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right / bound to be / Of course the listener could have been from the same place / a ha / let's see / the record. How about that? / there __ sort of people / this thing ... thing in the paper / is that ... is that ... that is one of the c__est links I've ever heard in my life / ラジオ史上最も脈絡のないフリをしてくれたな。 / and that comes from a man / Hey ... / I am ... I / 藪から棒加減にかけてはオレもひけをとらないが。 / when I go to the Sony__ / I never / when I go to the Sony__ to watch ... to watch other people get awards / call me / c__y link Gilbert, they call me / staff / that was / sound like __ kind of people who would tweet __ newspaper / in this ... uh ... newspaper / No. I'm merely pointing out p__. / Huh, OK. / quite good link / it's a really good link / take it all back / this is why / call / for nothing. Really good link / Barry S__ Links / S__ L__ ... Slinky Link Castagnola / Slinky Link M__ / of / p__ / sort of people / right / s__ it to him / I will. I'll tell / let him have it properly / bought out by an American company Kraft / bought out / Cadbury / changed tha wrappers on the Roses / twist-wrappers to what they call __ f__-wrapper / Start again, Barry. ... Kraft bought Cadbury__ / yeah, a while ago / and then / American food giant, Kraft, / Yeah, / bought Cadbury__ / yeah / OK? / chocoloate / claim / tin smaller / but also / inside or not / chocolate / probably not, no / reduce__ the size of __ chocolate / size of the tin / yeah / I think / weight's gone down. The weight's gone down / tin / that's what I thought / think of that. ... Whose side are you on? / I am on the side of fairness. / OK. / They call me __ p__ / in / Sony__ / I don't know / call / sounds like you __ __ __ bullied / that's why / Tony __ / He's always picking on me. "Hey, c__y." / ... And ... and they, um, yeah, they twist. They / twist wrappers, OK? / I forgot what we were talking about / the box / thank you very much / all that / yeah, thank you very much / yeah yeah / chocolate / these were twisted / twisted on the end / And you're saying that was a good thing? / I'm ... I'm saying it was fine. It was fine as it was. But Jill __ tweeted them __ __ __ __ __ changed / she / said, "You may as well cancel Christmas for me now. / いっそのことクリスマスも廃止したらどうだ / __ __ ... a bit of an over-reaction / I'm afraid we can't, Jill. That's __ other thing, innit? / Yeah. / if you / pedantic about it / not / I / postpone it to January if you want. / 一月まで延期することぐらいはできるかもしれんが / we / Ca__ nor can Kraft / together / Even ... even giants like them ... / Yeah, food giants / even corporations ... even giants / cancel Christmas / not really. ... What does ... what / done with / twisty end / into a sort of / f__ wrappers / most chocolate bars, the thing / just rip the end then open it up. / ... What do you mean? / Like ... a normal chocolate bar, / Yeah? / just ... __ just / they put them in / any more. / __ might as well __ cancel Christmas. ... We can do that. / W __ / that's ruined it for me and with you, Jill / I __ __ __ yours for nothing that day.

 

 

Hi Rhod / Mathew from Mike in Carmarthen, "Hi Rhod, is your dog with you today?" ... Nuh, it's Barry. ... "I enjoy his comedy barking when he interrupts your co-host. Crazy times." ... from Mike in Carmarthen. / not / in __ studio / dog / excuse me / male dog / Sorry? / __ __ __ __ male dog / __ __ __ "he" / and you didn't pick him up. / そこをつっこまなかったろ / Oh yeah. / It's Rosy. / Hey, Mike. My dog is a "she". / Yeah. / How dare you? / something like that / Yeah. Thanks. / people ... people ... that's ... that's the default thing with dogs. People just go, "Huh, how old is he? / they shouldn't / corrected them / time / girl / she's / up / pink c__ / ピンクの首輪とか、できることは何でもやったが、どうしても一目でメスだとわかってくれない / tried all that / a little bonnet / a little fascinate__r __ __ side of / put on her head. ... Nothing. ... "Hi Rhod and guest, ... / probably came / Huh, fair enough. / to know / quarter past __ yesterday morning, actually. ... "Hi Rhod and guest / Huh. This is about things you do wrong all your life. Things you do wrong all your ... This is / feature that I, uh, launched a few weeks ago because I've been testing eggs wrongly. I put them in water / I eat them / if they sink to the bottom, I chuck them out / not fresh / got / wrong way around / I've eaten nothing but rotton eggs for 46 years. Uh ... "Hi Rhod and guest / feature, Things you do wrong / Yeah / Hi Rhod and guest / I did wrong all my life. I thought Jesus was a carpet fitter ... until I was 13." ... Uh ... uh ... how does that ... is that ... __ sort of / understand / that happen / can you / Oh, absolutely. / carpet fitter / I'm not sure how much carpet / never / lot / I think it's mainly / wouldn't / a bit more of a __g / Yeah. / down / chuck it down / really silly mistake to make. / Yeah. / Innit? / I used to ... uh ... for years, I used to think, um ... when I was a kid ... you know, sometimes / things wrong, but your parents allow / wrong because / cute / I thought / Bad parenting. / Terrible parenting. I ... I thought, for years, that astronauts could only go to the moon at night. / 宇宙飛行士は夜にしか月に行けないものだと思っていた / __ __ ... It makes sense, doesn't it? __ __ __ __ __ I genuinely believed that. And ... and I used to think ... I used to think, genuinely ... / It makes perfect sense. / Of course. / Of course they only go to the moon at night / __'s the only time it's there. / だって、月は夜にしか出てこないからね。 / and I used to genuinely think that / velvet was ... was made from dogs' ears / Did you? / and your parents let / loved / really funny and cute / until ... what, / kid / Barry / tell __ your moon theory / tell these grownups" and they'd all laugh __ parties / of course / lot, to be honest, / your personality. / Yeah.

 

 

about / pronunciation / Of course they are. / Right. So, / go earlier ... I didn't / Little Lloyd Languford hosted the show / me, uh, recently / pronounce / "g" / I / you don't pronounce the "g" basically, right? / somebody / said, uh, "Oh, / stop doing it now because of you." I think / I thought, "Oh, look at that. We do have influence / this show / somebody's come back / corrected Lloyd's "b__" and you may be able to pronounce 'Castagnola', ..." which is your sirname, Barry / but I have noticed / now / Right. / how __ you say __ __ then? / Is it ... / hey, Castagnola, you are ... __ apart from the "Barry" bit, you are very Italian. Barry Castagnola. / Well, part of my name is, yeah. / Yeah. Your name is Italian. / Yeah. Um ... / What ... what's all that about? / t__ ... What? My ... my name is ... / great great grandad was from __. / Was he? / where was your great great grandmom from? / I'm not sure, actually. / __ __ / they moved over ... they moved over. / Did they? / started / new life __ themselves / yeah / It's amazing. / It is. ... Uh ... uh ... so, how __ you pronounce __ __ ... I do say __ __, I think. I do say __ __ / hands up / I'm not / お手上げだ。かと言って、実際に手を上げるわけではない。もののたとえだ。 / yeah / how does she pronounce / I say __ __, you say __ __. Let's go / whole / clearly just can't communicate at all. Anyway, I don't even like __ __, so, it's ... __ it's not a real problem for me. I like b__ / not / fan / In fact, I __ this / controversial / apart from s__. Test me. / Really? / Test me. / __ __ __ / Oh, damn here, I quite like that. / ... Do you know what? Do you ... / fell on the first. / Do you know what annoys me? / Shoot me / some of the American pronunciation of certain ... / Oh, god / ... herbs / generally / that's annoying / herb / like that. / Nobody says that, mate. / Yes, they do. / they go / hey, __, can you get / they / do / sp__ b__ / put in the tomato / put in / minced beef / , ... I've put in the ... the __ __ / why are you not in H__ ? / 今すぐハリウッドに行くべきだ / I don't know. ... "I've put in the onions / herbs / they don't say that / they do. And they say / o__ / American programmes / o__ / put in / you're right. Do you know what? They do this, "herbs" / herbs / don't they? / b__, o__ ... / anything done / r__m__ / god / __ __ __ / Huhgg. ... Awful. / It is. / I do quite like ... / prefer it, though / p__ ... / I do quite prefer __ / Really? Why? / listen to this. Which do you prefer? / r__m__, herbs, o__ and b__. / yet / you / just / enthusiastically / you can __ __ __ American / OK. __ __ __ fair enough, yeah / much more positive about the whole thing / still / first / British is ... "John reached into his cupboard and took out some herbs ... __ r__m__, / herbs ... o__ / h__, thyme, o__, m__. ..." It works, innit? __ __ sad, innit? / __ __ __ some herb! / we / upbeat there? / o__, b__, h__, r__m__ ..." See? Stop. Much better. __ I think it's conclusive. The way Americans say "herbs" is much more upbeat.

 

 

Um ... things you do wrong. "Hi Rhod, my partner Simon grew up thinking gorillas ..." What? / gorrilas were taking ostriches from towns / hostages / I can see that. I used to think that the song went, uh ... "Buffalo soldier, fighting for saliva ..." when I was a kid. ... __ __. / Now why would they have done that? Let's face it / Well ... / take hostages / chance. You interrupted me here. ... Idiot. / I was horrified / thought / I / stop laughing / so scared about __s. ... G__s __ __s / serious s__ ... serious topic dealt with a ... dealt with a ... / did you know / last week / we missed this / __ __ National D__ Week / saw / this / National D__ Week / it's relevant / it's about d_s_ / D__-based story? / It's a D__-based story / ago / I was in a shop. I was looking at newspapers. And this man came up ... / Huh huh, / to __ d__ section / you know / you know / other ones are available / crispy c__ / like / call / supermarket business, yeah. ... " / was a big g__ __ / the end of the shop / shelves of d__s, boxes of d__s ... dozen / I don't know / look / but this guy was looking / __ __ __ __ / He was standing about three or four meters away from the d__s, and he stood there for a few minutes / interesting / staring / d__ thing / quite / as well / he was definitely looking at the d__ / then he walked up to the d__ thing ... right up to the d__ thing ... stopped and looked at the d__s __ __ __ went / seemed thinking / moved back to the original position / about three or four meters away from / d__ again / and __ __ stood there again ... stood there again, looked at the d__s, and you could see him fight__ / back to his original postion again, three or four meters away, standing there, just staring at the d__s / and eventually / you could see him / take a big breath, stormed up, picked up a box of d__, took it to the til__ / and he felt guilty afterwards. / it was hilarious. You could see ... __ like __ __ thought bubbles / gonna have a d__ / no, I can't / you can see __ all over his head / sometimes / you've never done that, mate. / Not with d__s __ __ __ / I've been around d__s with you. You are straight in, "Have a d__?" "Yes, please." / you can understand / I can totally understand / it's temptation, isn't it? Temptation / treat / yourself / the way __ __ __ very unusual. ... Look at this. Here's another thing in the papers. ... Uh ... you know sometimes you read things wrong? / Yes. / __ you read ... you read something / your brain immediately / Uhgg, that's crazy / read it wrong / right / right / a pile of nearly 35,000 cigarettes was found in the __ on __ 35 in Dorset." Right? My imme ... my immeidate thought was, "God / have to wait / 35,000 cigarettes on the side __ __ __ __ and then I ... and then I thought, "Nuh, __ must have been dumped there by / somebody / fag, having fags / __ __ __ __ / that's what I thought. Just saying.

 

 

we've just been joined __ __ during that track, by, uh, comedians, __ __ and Michael __, down from the G__ Club in Cardiff last night / boys, / Yeah, / how was it? / Great, man. Really good. / Was it? / __ __ __ __ fun / yeah / __ __ __ / yeah / I want juicy stories from the gig, ... things that went wrong, people throwing stuff ... / burger __ __ / that's what people want to hear about / __ __ stag party __ __ middle-aged man who were clearly, like, on the third time around, perhaps, ... who were really really well-behaved __ __ __ juicy / wanted / dressed as a frog or something / resenting their stag-do outfits more than that man. He ... he was just dressed as ... __ __ he was green, and / he was / sat / scowling / could have been ... uh ... it could have been __ comedy / oh, yes / could have been / reflection / No. / that's a different scowl / that's / disappointment / he looked more humiliated / OK. There's nothing worse than seeing someone, uh, looking annoyed or grumpy in fancy dress. __ __ __ __ I once went as a riddler, which / bad mood / to have fancy dress party / because / tight green cat suit, uh, really tight as well, and I had to, uh, I had to take, uh ... my friend / cat / really / take / come with me / toilet / unzip at the back / and / by the end of the night / just quite drunken, tired / couldn't get a cab / and I was really angry / and being angry / riddle__ costume / just look__ ridicuous. / argu__ment with my girlfriend before / dressed as / Wonder Woman / foul play / in the middle of the street. / P__ / police called? / Nuh. Her ... her mom called and picked her up ... in an invisible car / off / she / on / own / disappointing end / story / tell / just over a year" Fair enough / I have a feature, right? / the feature / teasing us? / じらしてるの？ / No. it's just ... uh ... __ __ __ __ ... look, what's the one / how old do you think this listener is? Right? / Listener age quize. / OK / Quick, un-announced listner age quiz / age quiz / here's the feature: What's the one food that brings back / childhood memories / how old / 48 / 48 from __ __, yeah, OK. M__? / OK. 42. / 42? __ __ ... what's the one food that brings back / childhood memories / suggestion for feature. What do you think, Barry? / 36? / 15. / What? / ... Genuinely. / Why ... why __ __ __? / Yeah. / Premature nostalgia. / 15? / "Thanks for __ __ __ __ really cheers me up." ... You're 15, man. Get a grip. "What's the __ __ you don't need to have / childhood memories when you're 15. Just think about today. That is a childhood memory. / discos / at, sort of, 18. It's ridiculous / nostalgic school / exactly / your uniform __ __ all day anyway. ... That's just ... think about your childhood, __ ... come on, get a grip. / __ __ __ __ __ __ question __ __ __ __ on __ top / homemade __ __ __ __ skin / doing the feature, are we? / S__. I'd go s__. / S__? / you've hi-jacked the show now. I wasn't gonna do the feature. You've done it now. / prison food / s__ / kids in school / Yeah, I loved it. / Did you? / smooth __ pudding / I know what it is, mate. / parents / put / hatch / bottom of y__ d__

 

 

Uh ... things you do wrong all your life / test eggs / wrongly so I / eat the fresh ones. I throw them away / doing wrong / how __ __ test eggs? / oh, god, no / I thought I / put / water / pan of water / if they float, they're rotten / if / wrong way around, so I've eaten / all the ones / float / chuck / fresh ones away / yeah, I was thinking / why don't you just have a look at use-by date or sell-by date? / __ __ __ __ __ / What's wrong with you? / that sounded __ __ __ __ / yeah / you're not gonna believe it. ... I've been throwing all the good __s away. ... That's __ __ __ __ my girlfriend__ all my life. ... #EverydaySexism. ... Barry, what were you gonna say? / I was gonna say / what's wrong / use-by dates / always / you can't see them / What? the use-by date? / The use-by dates on eggs / they're just ... they're just / small red stain / 玉子のカラに書かれている日付は、小さな赤いシミでしかない。読みづらいよ。 / On the box / On the box / put / in the fri_e / some kind of __ / never / do you wanna hear / story about eggs / do you want a quick egg quiz? / OK. I'll ... I'll launch it. ... Egg Quiz! / Well launched. / ... Right. Uh ... hhh ... it's a factory ... factory security ... there's only one question __ __ Egg Quiz / factory security guard, right? Uh ... his sirname is G__ or G__ ... __ in China ... one of those stories, right? Uh ... / He was caught __ 1,000 stolen eggs in his f__ge / saw / kept the boxes / smudged / he could only / kept / so, he's a factory security guard, Right? He was caught with more than 1,000 stolen eggs in his f__ that he __ pinched from work / name / Gi / was caught red-handed / you __ probably / sell-by date coming off his hand / 赤いシミが ... / smudge / __ __ caught red-handed smuggling two suitcases ... uh ... of eggs / out of the factory where worked / in China. Police found more than 1,000 eggs in his fridge. The picture of / fridge / with eggs, right? / 1,000 / I saw the picture / says more than 1,000 here / if you believe the papers / egg-handed / ... Right? Wait for this. Wait for this. "Police found more than 1,000 eggs, all of which ..." You'd like this, "... had been meticulously labeled with / use-by date / done / himself / Really? / Yeah. ... What did ... I'm gonna call him Gi, just for the sake of the quiz ... what did Gi give as his reason for stealing the eggs? ... You've got 30 seconds on this. / Oh, I ... / Is he addicted to o__? / He's ... I can't give you that. He __n't addicted to om__. ... __ __ good answer / reasons / __y / 体重が軽いから風に飛ばされないように玉子を重りにした？ / That would be a brilliant ... brilliant ... __'s not right. / very good d__ / he was going trick-or-treating? / No. ... Give up? / Yeah, give up / ... "I really like eggs." ... That was it. / Then why __ he __ __ __ __ / loads of them / admitted __ the theft / explained / the police / I just really like eggs.

 

 

If you enjoyed that, why don't you listen to the whole show? / Rhod Gilbert live on Saturday mornings, BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.